Emmie (angearia) wrote,

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a life update ending in a fic rec

I'm tired right now, seriously bone weary, muscles aching and shaking, want to fall on my face tired.  And it feels great.

The past seven months have seen me working full-time plus a hellish commute, acing my classes, getting health insurance and finally taking care of myself the way I've needed to for years, eating better, and working out on a weekly basis.  I also reconnected with my family and visited my dad in Minnesota whom I hadn't seen in years.

So yeah, the past seven months?  Greatness.  It just feels so good to have accomplished all these things and to recognize a level of endurance within me that I've never harnessed before.  Because I've always just... quit.  I'll go full steam ahead and then falter, then donzo.

But this time I haven't given up.  I might stumble, but I've always gotten back up.  Tomorrow is another day and I get going.

I feel like I'm finally turning a corner when it comes to my social anxiety, depression, and my perfectionism.  Finally finding some kind of balance.

I feel hopeful and accomplished and proud and I haven't truly felt this way about my life in a holistic sense in so long (maybe never?).  And to imagine feeling this way when a year ago I was at the lowest point of my entire life.  (Remember this poem?  Yeah, nearly a year ago today I wrote that.)

But now?

I feel blessed.  And when I think about how this was possible, I feel I owe it to two people in my life.  The first is my cousin Sarah who gave me unconditional support, a safe space to live, time to figure it out, and a partner to work through it all.  And the second person?  Me.  I did this.

I just wanted to share this with y'all because I normally write about my lowest lows on here through either my poetry or my relating to Buffy's depression or simply my emotional flailing and faltering.  I wanted to come back and share this bright moment which I am working to make an enduring reality of my life.

Thank you so much for your friendship and support.  I honestly never feel more genuinely myself than when I'm writing here on my journal and it's a gift to know that the genuine me is seen and accepted.

Okay, so laugh with me on this, yeah but I actually intended on starting this post to tell y'all that the_moonmoth has continued to write her sequel to Fin Amour and it's exceptional and truly a wonder with 5 completed chapters and nearly 15,000 words and go go go read it and give her much loving feedback because her mind-bendy plot and rich symbolism and lyrical prose are a storytelling delight.

But here's the thing--and I promise I'm going to connect my soul outpouring above with this seemingly tangential fic rec--I wrote Fin Amour while still seriously off-track in my life and massively depressed, so it's a tragedy because that's the most powerful emotion my heart could channel back then. And I find something wonderfully poignant that the_moonmoth was inspired to write a fix-it for my tragic Fin Amour ending right at the same time that my life is turning around.  Maybe Dawn is out there slipping through time and fixing my life, too.  Maybe someday soon I'll be able to write an epic with a blissfully happy ending.  I'm almost there, y'all.
Tags: fic rec, personal post, wow

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