Emmie (angearia) wrote,

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Happy Holidays! (And me oversharing about my personal life, if you're interested.)


I hope y'all had an amazing time if you were celebrating Christmas or you enjoyed the time off (if you got time off).  I had some pretty awesome plans to go visit my brother in DC over the holiday and travel up to NYC, but alas, they fell through.  I got into a last minute fight with brother (it happens, oh boy, does it happen) and then we miraculously made up (we were so mature about it, I'm proud of us), but not in time to get together for the holiday.  So I spent time with friends locally and talked with family via long phone calls and it was delightful, but not exactly Christmasy (though I did cook a quasi-Xmas dinner with some turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and crescent rolls--SO MANY LEFTOVERS).

If you celebrated Xmas, come share what you did if you feel like sharing!  I'd love to know what you ate, what presents you got, what little family rituals you engaged in.  

I ended up playing board games with my roommate and some other dear friends, an evening that ended with drinking too much wine and too much fun.  Of course, my sleep schedule is out of whack, so here I am writing to you, dearest flist (I do adore you!), and hoping some of you are up right now and interested in chatting.

My holiday consisted of devouring fic at Yuletide, watching Xmas movies (Love Actually, Die Hard (IT COUNTS!), and It's A Wonderful Life) and downloading the Doctor Who Xmas Special to watch later (I would've already watched it, but I accidentally downloaded DW Confidential (and promptly cursed ****!) and then by the time DW was dl'd, my friends had arrived for board game hijinks which consisted of an awesome Zombie game followed by a drinking game aka FUN AND BEST).

So... that was my Christmas.  I didn't really exchange gifts this year and I'm okay with that.  Though I did get some lovely Xmas cards (thank you deathcomes4u!) and some LJ prezzies from eowyn_315cal_turnerangelus2hot and petzipellepingo!  Plus snickfic delighted me evermore with a wonderful Buffy/Angelus drabble of dark dysfunction.  Y'all are so good to me.  My adoration grows by the minute!  Oh look, I'm being over-the-top, but I MEAN it.  Also, I am tipsy.  But tipsy just opens up my sentimental TRUTH.  Bring it in for a hug, yeah?  YEAH.


And now that I've gone on at length about the awesome and the love, I thought I'd take it to a personal level.  Who wants to hear about my coy nearly-non-existent love life?  You do?  OKAY!

So.  There's this guy who I used to work with back when I was serving at a restaurant.  And he moonlighted serving and also working as a lower level manager for a bar.  He's a few years older than me, but we're kinda in the same age bracket.  And we'd flirt at work.  I don't know why, but I think most people at my job thought he was a jerk and/or annoying.  And for me, it wasn't like that.  Now I'm not sure if it was because he was actually nice to me ('cause I think he liked me/respected me/realized I was smart/idek) or because I have a higher tolerance for assholes, but we kinda gravitated towards each other.  And this flirtation has dated back to the summer of (oh dang, has it really been this long?) 2009.  So we'd flirt with the occasional text message but it never really became anything.  Not even on the level of sexting.  It was all very tame.  And then I ended up leaving the restaurant for medical reasons back in March and he would call me and leave me messages (like "where are you?" or "what's up?  how're you doin'?") and I'd never return them 'cause I kinda peaced out of my job and slinked into the shadows 'cause I didn't want to explain why I left.  He'd sometimes call me and leave me messages for a few months after I'd left, having never heard back from me, he'd still call.

And now, nearly NINE MONTHS since we last spoke, he's left me a message wishing me a "Merry Christmas".  And I don't even know.  I do like him and I'm attracted to him, but I don't want to enter into something casual 'cause that's just now how I work.  I can't do that.  I don't function that way.  My heart comes with the package, it's a whole package deal, so if you're not interested in that, keep on walkin'.  But it's been forever, and I can't help thinking that his persistence after I've been essentially blowing him off for a really, really long time might mean something.  

On my end, I have so many issues.  I mostly feel like I'm a mess of emotions and personal issues and I just don't feel ~good enough~ to be with someone.  Self-esteem issues, I have them.  Also, body issues.  Pretty much, I have relationship and intimacy issues out the wazoo.  (Overshare?  Sorry, y'all.)  So this is me, staring at my phone, wondering if I should call him back and then thinking: "And then?"  

Basically, I feel like a total mess.  And I'm not going to ever be into something casual.  I just can't.  I've gone down that road before and it still haunts me to this day (it makes me feel bad about myself).  So what, just flirt?  And then there's the fact that I feel totally ugly the last couple months since I've been sick and I haven't been taking care of myself all that great.  So I do not feel attractive.   

Does someone feel up to giving me love life advice?  Or making sense of the nonsense that I just spouted?  I'm just a total mess when it comes to this.  On the plus side, I actually feel like my life is going somewhere so I'm not feeling like a total loser (one of the other reasons I didn't call him back; "Hi, I'm unemployed, sick, and barely making ends meet, that's super attractive, right?"), but I kinda feel like I'm just getting my shit together and I don't want to blow it.  But then I think that I'm blowing this completely out of proportion.  (And then I think LOL about how much I just typed "blow" :P  Did I mention that I'm tipsy?)

Tags: christmas, personal, personal filter, yuletide, yuletide 2010
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