Emmie (angearia) wrote,

Happy birthday, baby.

It's TYSK's birthday today--she's one year old.  I'd planned on bringing baby out to play in order to celebrate her growing up, but the polishing of her patent leather shoes went awry (still trying to rub out those scuff marks!) and I gave her a haircut but it's not a pretty sight (must fix that!) and she decided to have an *ahem* accident in her party dress, so she's simply not presentable for company.  Not today, at least. ;)

But my, oh my.  Looking back at when she was so tiny a year ago, she's grown so much.  She's over 100,000 words tall, but when she was born, she was only an unassuming 523 words.  They grow so fast...

Here's a baby picture that makes me feel nostalgic for when she was such a tiny wee bugger: 


I’ve tried so many times to think of the perfect words to say to you. To let you know I was back from the great beyond. To tell you how I felt. I can’t find them. I’ve racked my brain til I was ready to strangle something but they’re never right. There are no words to fully explain what you mean to me. Every word isn’t enough. Not strong enough or powerful enough or beautiful enough. It’s a new torture all its own, to be filled to the brim with so much feeling and unable to express it. So I found myself swallowing these inadequate noises. They were unworthy of you. You deserve better. Always have.

So why am I bothering you now? Way I figure it, this might be my last chance. I know you’ve moved on. I suppose Andrew told you about my visit to Rome. Pathetic, right? I only caught a glimpse of you, a shimmer of gold, but I could tell you were happy. Finally happy. You looked free the way you were dancing. I’ve always loved to watch you dance. You were never more alive than when you were dancing. I never felt more alive than when we were dancing together. Beauty in motion.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes

Byron truly was a poncey bastard, but he had a way with words. Better poet than I could ever hope to be. That’s how I see you. A creature of darkness born of fire and sunlight. Dangerous and powerful. Yet the darkness never consumes you. You rule the night. Your inner light banishes the shadows. You conquer and enslave. Makes you warm inside to be near it. And beneath that strength lies your heart. I’ve spent so much time trying to find myself there. Within the warmth of your heart. I think I always knew that’s where I’d find home again.

Love, don’t mind me. I told you once it didn’t matter how I felt, that I didn’t want anything from you. That’s not exactly true. Hell, it’s complete bollocks. I want. I want so many things from you. But I know I’ll never get them. And you shouldn’t give them to me. But I’d be a fool not to see you for what you are and be staggered by your light. The Slayer. Buffy. All that’s best of dark and bright.

I wanted you to know how I felt. How I feel. It’s a part of me, the best part. Sometimes I think it’s the only good inside me – the part capable of loving you. It means I’m more than a monster. That maybe someday I'll finally be...

Bad things are coming, love. And I find myself taking a side I never thought I’d choose. But he who shall not be named needs my help. It’s the right thing to do. And I think you’d be proud. So I’m going to save the world one last time.

Just thought you should know.

- Spike"
Tags: thought you should know, writing
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